Its dark, it has the ability to have no feeling, see no color and hear no laughter. To see nothing but darkness in everything, all around. Standing apart from everyone, nothing is enjoyable, nothing make you smile, even a tiny little bit. Waterless drowning in a deep dark bottomless shaft. Receding into the distance the proverbial light fades going deeper and deeper into the enveloping darkness. The worthless numb feeling accompanied by a sense of perpetual sadness of being completely alone. A total loss of who you are, your heart and mind splintering into a million pieces. All the goodness, all the energy and all the desire sucked right out of your body and soul. The miserable overwhelming heavy nothingness inside. Completely and utterly hopeless.
The more I tried to grow, the more I tried to break free it seemed to suffocate me more, pushing me further down into the never ending downward slope. A force so powerful I feared I would never ever be able to break free. A huge heavy steel ball I dragged with me everywhere all the while trying to look, speak and act normal, just going through the motions. I seemed fine, in control even peaceful like a stream of water while the tsunami below was raging with pain. Visions of dying played in my mind and I hated what I saw when I looked in the mirror.
The lack of light faded so much it became normal, a world etched in charcoal with a blanket of blackness that obliterates any sign of light does not fade. Day and night just blend into one, as the dark days eventually takes over. Darkness has taken its stranglehold, squeezing life from me while consuming all energy turning all memories and dreams into lost and forgotten hope that there will ever be a better tomorrow.
Its painful, I’ve been there. Like so many others out there as well, even I felt completely alone fact is I was not, and you are not. It is estimated that more than one hundred million people worldwide experience the same thing. I am proof that recovery is possible; there were times when I was convinced that I would never get out, never get better, but I have and I have triumph over the apparent never ending struggle. I am happy and healthy. Life is good again.
Today holds the possibility of a miracle